I worked as a Special Education Surrogate Parent (SESP) for the Department of Children and Families.

When a child with a disability is put under DCF supervision, that child needs someone to act as their parent when dealing with school systems. Towns have budgets, and when a child with a disability is recognized, The law requires the school district to provide whatever is necessary to bring the child as close to their full potential as possible. Some school districts will go to enormous lengths to prevent this from happening. Not because they are against it, but because they are highly pressured to claim they can handle it themselves.

This puts the administrators, educators, and parents in an unusual situation with conflicting goals. A lot of pressure is put on these people while, at the same time, a parent must argue to get what is required. Unfortunately, most parents are not accustomed to being uncivilized. And unfortunately, that is basically the only way to get what is required. By uncivilized, I mean aggressively challenging school officials’ claims, recommendations, or qualifications.

I went through 18 years of this and was forced to become a different person. I hate bullies and have spent a lot of time helping people who are bullied. I’ve said a few times on this site, when describing myself, that I claim to be good at thinking sh*t up. I think freakishly fast—a side effect of my own disability. And when dealing with normal people in life, I would consider myself a bully if I used this against them. However, in this situation, there was no choice, and I was very effective. I called it Hannibal Lecter mode. Not something I am proud of.

So when my own child went to college, I remember a conversation I had with my inner monologue that went like this: “If your God-given gift is that you are an as*hole, you might as well go pro.”

I requested the worst cases. I was appointed by the court to act as the child’s parent in matters involving educational decisions. This is a significant transfer of parental authority involving the child’s civil rights, which is why the appointment requires formal legal authority. How bad can it get? The case that finally did me in broke records. A facility that cost $200,000 for one year. The superintendent of the school system attended. To my knowledge, this never happens. At the end, he had one thing to say to me: “The silver lining on this is that I never have to talk to you again.”

But I was never trained to separate myself from it like a doctor can. So it was quite traumatic. You can’t unlearn things.